I Sit And Think

I’ve been feeling so depressed lately. Not because of “senioritis” or whatever that everybody claims it is, but it’s just been this whole year that sucked. I feel like reading depression quotes lifts me up sometimes and I came across this that made me smile. BIG. 

I guess, the reason why I never told you about my depression or told you absolutely EVERYTHING is because even though I knew our relationship was far from perfect, I was hoping, and fantasizing about a part of me that was, in a sense, “perfect.” I put up so many barriers, thinking you would save me from all of the bad relationships I’ve had with people closest to me. I guess I believed that you would never hurt me the way that my family hurt me. You were the one that brought smiles to my face no matter how numb I was. The corny things you said, and the silly little things you did. I was being selfish, trying to save you as the last thing I thought about before sleeping. Every time I called you I just wanted to hear your voice. How soothing it was and how sweet. I’m just not cut out for this stuff. Ny sorrow and depression is on a whole different level you will never understand. In attempt to hide it, as one of the biggest flaws I have about me, you pried it open and left my wounds open for dust to collect and harden again. After everything I told you, I don’t blame you that you didn’t take me back. I guess by telling you about it, I was hoping maybe you would take me back. But then again, in reality, nobody wants to take care of and mend damaged goods.

I’m losing sense of who I am and continuing to crumble.

I’m still struggling to know myself.

You will never understand me.